Jokes

Bull · 11-12-2005, 03:54 PM

A blind man walks into a bar. He taps the man next him on his right shoulder and says: "Hello, do you want to hear a good blonde joke?"
The man responds: "Look, mate, I'm blonde myself. The man just behind me is a 300lbs. professional fighter who is blonde. The bouncer is blonde as well. The man sitting over to your right is also blonde. So, do you still wish to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man - having been silent for a moment - says: "Nope, I would not want to have to explain it four times."

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How to annoy a police officer:

"Damn, Officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

Ask him, if you may use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

When he asks you to walk the line: ... "Riverdance".

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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

666 · 11-12-2005, 03:58 PM

LOL @ those jokes, they were great .especially the first one

If I find any I will post them here

angryjonny · 11-12-2005, 04:09 PM

Here's one of my favorite Steven Wright one-liners:

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Kentified · 11-12-2005, 05:37 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escapee look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Weasel · 11-12-2005, 05:45 PM

LMAO at this thread. Some good ones so far

Here's one:

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a cheque, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and began writing with it by mistake. Realizing his error, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great, some A-hole's got my pen."

lunchbox101 · 11-12-2005, 08:14 PM

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they'll just sit in the dark and cry.

666 · 11-12-2005, 08:21 PM

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

BTW nice signature lunchbox

AikaImmortal · 11-12-2005, 08:26 PM

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he arives at the gates, he is amazed by the sight above. Hundreds of thousands of clocks on walls of gold. He asks St. Peter "Excuse me, but what are all of these clocks doing here?". St Peter explains that every person on earth has a lie clock, and with each lie you tell, the clock advances one minute.
The man points to a clock and says "I think this one is broken" St Peter replies "No sir, that is Mother Teresa's lie clock. She never told a lie in her entire life, so it never moves. Do you see the one under it? It was Abe Lincolns, and it only moved once". The man stops to consider everything he is learning and takes time to look around at all of the lie clocks. He returns to the gates and asks St Peter where George W Bush's lie clock is, because he cannot find it anywhere. St Peter chuckles and says
"Oh, its in Jesus' office. He's using it as a celing fan."

Lan · 11-12-2005, 08:32 PM

Guy is driving down the road. He sees a sign on the road "St. Mary's Prostitution 3 Miles"

He thinks to himself, "Hey... I've never had sex with a nun... I wonder what all of this is about."

So he pulls in at the exit and goes up to this big giant long cathedral. He walks there is a preacher standing outside who says "My son it will cost you five dollars to enter."

He pays, thinking it is really cheap, and walks in. There is another door with a nun, and she says
"It will cost you five dollars to enter."
He pays, opens and walks in.
Another room, another door, another nun.
This pattern goes on for a long time. Finally he gets to a door pays the five dollars, realizing in his head that it is now total about the price of an average hooker. And walks through the door.
He finds himself in the back of the church, a lock clicks behind him. He gets outraged as he sees a sign that reads

"Go in peace my brother for you have been screwed by the Sister's of Saint Mary."

__________

A man walks into this bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. Real fancy place, new, everything is top notch. He goes up to the bartender and orders a shot. Drinks it, and turns to the man next to him, says "hey watch this."

Jumps right out the window and falls.

A few minutes later. The same man appears, walks into the bar, and does it all over again. Each time getting more and more excited and drunk.

Finally the man beside him at the bar goes "How are you doing that!?!"
He responds
"I don't know it must be something in the booze. It's incredible."
The man beside him promptly takes a shot and jumps at the window.

The bartender says the the man still standing there.
"You know superman, your a real a**hole when your drunk."

Unknown · 11-13-2005, 01:41 AM

Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

People who make Confucius joke speak bad English

Lan · 11-13-2005, 11:17 AM

Foolish man give wife piano. Wise man give wife up right organ.

Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

Bull · 11-15-2005, 02:22 PM

What is the difference between a wife and a job?

After 15 years the job still sucks!

glockmn · 12-16-2005, 09:26 AM

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit
loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock
in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.! Quickly, realizing my
husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was
really proudof myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him

The next> morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "midnight". He didn't seem upset at all......whew ...got away with
that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked
him why, he said, "Well,last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, 'oh sh__,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed> twice more, then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."

glockmn · 12-16-2005, 09:34 AM

A Texas cowboy in New Jersey got pulled over by a State Trooper

for speeding; The trooper started to lecture the cowboy

about his speeding, and in general began to throw his

weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that

were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies

there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well

yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on

ranches. See they're called circle flies because they're

almost always found circling around the back end of a

horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying

to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much

respect for law enforcement to even think about calling

you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes

back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool

them flies though."

glockmn · 12-16-2005, 09:36 AM

NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES

The George Bush Virus - Causes your Computer to keep looking for viruses of
mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes
little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will
be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy
... then discards it through Windows

BEWARE NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES

666 · 12-28-2005, 04:31 PM

Im in oregon right now thats why I havent been on for a while, I just logged on to tell you something funny I heard from my dad its not really a joke but it doesnt fit into any other threads

OK one day this guy was pumping gas for someone in this town here and then he went into the bathroom and for some odd reason he shoved a drinking glass up his A-hole and the glass collapsed inside of his rectum so he had all this broken glass in there and had to call 911

Bull · 12-28-2005, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 666

Im in oregon right now thats why I havent been on for a while, I just logged on to tell you something funny I heard from my dad its not really a joke but it doesnt fit into any other threads

OK one day this guy was pumping gas for someone in this town here and then he went into the bathroom and for some odd reason he shoved a drinking glass up his A-hole and the glass collapsed inside of his rectum so he had all this broken glass in there and had to call 911

No matter where you go ... the insane are everywhere.

Good to see you around the boards, mate, hope you are feeling better.

AikaImmortal · 12-28-2005, 06:29 PM

Bush's Psalm

"Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party's sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever."

swampwater · 01-10-2006, 08:37 PM

my new favorite word: vaginal scab

Kentified · 01-11-2006, 12:57 PM

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until the man exploded.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.