Jokes

lwbfl · 01-11-2006, 01:11 PM

A little boy gets a new tricycle for Christmas. He decides to take it for a spin around the block. As he rounds the corner, he sees a cop on a horse. The cop ask the boy "Hey, did Santa bring you that new tricycle for Christmas?" The boy replied "Yep, sure did" So the cop proceeds to write the boy a ticket and says " next time tell Santa to put the relectors on before he brings it". The little boy thinks a minute and asks "Hey Mr., did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?" Wanting to play along the cop replies that he did. The little boy responded "Next time you shoud tell Santa to put the dick on the bottom!"

AikaImmortal · 01-24-2006, 12:56 PM

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line... just one guy in front of me...

He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!"

666 · 03-06-2006, 01:44 AM

How do you get helen keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers

Whats helen keller's favorite color? Black

How did Helen Keller break her arm? Trying to read road signs at 40mph

SeikanJudanski · 03-06-2006, 10:16 AM

You're so stupid, your mother told you to go buy a color television and you asked, “What color?”

SeikanJudanski · 03-06-2006, 10:18 AM

Three Girls Go Camping

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

SeikanJudanski · 03-06-2006, 10:20 AM

Clinton and the Beer Cans

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.”

Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.

When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.”

Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.”

She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”

Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”

IrishLaoch · 03-15-2006, 08:59 PM

Im tempted to post some chuck norris jokes but I will refraim from such blasphamy.

Lan · 03-20-2006, 01:57 PM

The problem with the internet is the fact that since it is many seperate communities, when a joke springs up, like Chuck Norris jokes, each community discovers them at a seperate pace. So what would in say, an office setting, take a week or so to die down can take months.

Which is frustrating for those of us who are on the pulse of the goings-on because we have to put up with "CHUCK NORRIS LOL!" for half a year.

And now, a joke:

A man, is filling up his motorcycle at a gas station, when the man next to him comments on the prime condition the motorcycle is in. The owner says
"Oh well that's because I take good care of it, see, I always make sure to keep vaseline on me, so every time it rains I can coat it in vaseline and keep it looking so shiny and new."
That being said the man then boards his motorcycle and takes off, he picks up his girlfriend and proceeds to drive to her parents house. It is his first time ever meeting her parents and he is rather nervous. As they approach the front door his girlfriend says to him quietly

"Now listen, we have a rule here at the house, whoever talks during dinner has to do the dishes, and I warn you, it's been a while since anyone has talked."

He walks in, and to his surprise he sees a MOUNTAIN of dishes, it would take someone probably a few days of straight work to get half done with all of the dishes that are piled up all around the kitchen.

So they sit down to dinner, no one says a word.
Part way through the dinner, the man really has to fart, terribly bad. And despite his best efforts he rips one, so loud and so toxic that he is sure someone will say something.

No one says a word.

He starts thinking about the possibilities here... so he leans over and kisses his girlfriend, then slowly starts working more into it, and before too long him and his girlfriend are going at it on the kitchen table,
but no one says a word.

After a minute he thinks to himself "to hell with it" and grabs the mother, and starts alternating between mother and daughter, but no one says a word.

As he is finishing up, he notices outside it is starting to rain, thinking of his motorcycle, he pulls out at a can of vaseline from his pocket. Finally the father jumps up and says

"JESUS! Keep your pants on! I'll do the f***ing dishes!"

orodriguezjr · 04-27-2006, 07:28 PM

When someone sneezes, God says Chuck bless you.

JeniPeni2005 · 05-13-2006, 03:21 PM

Your momma is so stupid that she brought toilet paper to a craps game!

DirtyChuckRulz! · 05-15-2006, 11:01 AM

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

what did the snail when it climbed on the turtles back?

WEEEE!

Eraser2K1NIN · 05-15-2006, 11:57 AM

What do condoms and women have in common?
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they both spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck...

JeniPeni2005 · 05-16-2006, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eraser2K1NIN

What do condoms and women have in common?
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they both spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck...

I am so stealing that!!

stillstanding · 09-18-2006, 04:56 PM

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse got a divorce. And Mickey's lawyer said, "Mickey, you and Minnie have been happily married for over 60 years. What happened with you two. I mean you guys were perfect. The only allegation you have against Minnie is that you said she was crazy."

Then Mickey looked at his lawyer and said (in Mickey's voice), "I never said she was crazy, I said she was ****ing Goofy!!"

lwbfl · 09-20-2006, 10:54 AM

An old farmer had just lost everything except his pickup and popup to the bank. He hooked packed his PUP and headed for his favorite area in the mountains, unsure of what to do. While he was setting up, he noticed something sticking out of the ground next to his camper. When the farmer dug it out, it appeared to be an old oil lamp. As he was wiping it off, a genie suddenly appeared! “Thank you for releasing me” said the genie, I will now grant you three wishes! But before you decide on your wishes, I must tell you that whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy will receive the same thing, but twice over! The old farmer thought hard about this, and finally came up with his first wish. “I want a thousand acre farm with all the equipment needed to work it” “Very well,” said the genie, “you have received a thousand acres with farming equipment, your enemy two thousand acres and twice the equipment”. The farmer thought some more and said “Genie, I want a 10 million dollar home on my farm”! “Very well, you have your mansion, and your enemy has one twice as valuable.” The farmer quickly stood, faced the genie, and made his third wish “Genie, now I want you to beat me HALF to death!”

MillerLite · 10-03-2006, 02:32 PM

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

Jras0001 · 10-03-2006, 03:19 PM

How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb?

YOU DONT KNOW CAUSE YOU WERENT THERE, MAN!!!

MillerLite · 10-03-2006, 11:26 PM

A Drunk Gets Up From The Bar And Heads For The Bathroom.

A Few Minutes Later, A Loud, Blood-curdling Scream Is Heard Coming From The Bathroom. A Few Minutes After That, Another Loud Scream Reverberates Through The Bar.

The Bartender Goes Into The Bathroom To Investigate What The Drunk Is Screaming About. "What's All The Screaming About In There? You're Scaring My Customers!" "I'm Just Sitting Here On The Toilet And Every Time I Try To Flush, Something Comes Up And Squeezes The Hell Out Of My Balls."

With That, The Bartender Opens The Door, Looks In And Says, "You Idiot! You Are Sitting On The Mop Bucket!!!!"

MillerLite · 10-05-2006, 03:39 AM

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and
he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law.
" I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home
any minute." The daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the
way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.

She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door
for her husband to come home.

Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place
by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his
wife naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it." he replied.

MillerLite · 10-07-2006, 12:21 PM

A young woman married and had 9 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

She again remarried and this time had 5 more children. This time when her husband died, she did too. In all, she left 21 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His wish that she, "Go forth and multiply." In his final remarks, the preacher intoned, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

The other mourner replied, "I think he meant her legs."