MillerLite

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket.
She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas"
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

MillerLite

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes, sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that."
"Why not? You asked what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"We do not use language like that in here," she said.
"Please go outside and come back in and say there's something wrong with your ear or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," the man stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

MillerLite

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How
bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next
week."

So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an
impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and
on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched
these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's
still in the CRATE!"

w0264007

Do comic strips count as jokes?

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What's better than getting a divorce? Getting one absolutely free!

MillerLite

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Normo

3 people were lining up outside heaven's gate when Jesus explains that each will get a car based on there marriages and how many times they cheated.

The first man walks upto Jesus, Jesus says "You have been with your wife for 6 years and cheated 4times, you will get a skoda"

The second man walks upto Jesus, Jesus says "You have been with your wife 14years and onyl cheated twice so you will get a BMW"

The last man goes upto Jesus, Jesus says "You have been with your wife 31years and never cheated so you will get a Ferrari"

Later that day the first and second men drive past the first who they see sat on the pavement crying so they pull over "Why are you crying"
He says "I've just seen my wife go past in a Nova

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Sorry for the bad language....

There were 3 boys called F Off, S**t and Maners, they were all playing on a road when S**T got ran over, so F Off runs over to the nearest phone box and dials 999, the operator asks what service he would like so he says Ambulance, she then procees to ask the boy his name so he says "F Off", so she said "excuse me, could you tell me your name?", so the boy says "F Off" again. The operator got angry and asked the boy "Where are your maners?" So he said "Over the road picking S**t up"

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1 day a wife was cheating on her husband with another man in here house. So they were both at it and they hear the door open and the husband shout "Hunny, im home" so the man quickly gets up and jumps out of the window. To his fear a local marathon was running past so he quickly joined alogn with them, the man to his left tapped him on his shoulder and asked him "Do you always run knaked" the man replies "Only in the morning" then the man on his right tapped him on his shoulder "So do you always run with a condom on", the man replies "Only when its raining"

Not so funny but oh well, thought I may as well tell them.

MillerLite

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

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A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing
and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a
lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he
had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and
gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what
your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what
time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

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Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

MillerLite

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and
next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to
you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation
ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way,
that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top of it."

MillerLite

I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done...

I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookie

MTKrav911

Here's a good cop joke.

Kid is playin in his yard and finds a sheriff's badge. He brings it to his mother and his mother realizes it's a real badge and tells the kid they have to go to the Sheriff's Dept and return it. But the mom lets the kid play with the badge overnight.

So the kid runs around all over the neighborhood and says "Freeze, I'm the Sheriff and You're under arrest" To which all the kids in the neighborhood were in awe and extremely jealous.

Then the next day comes, the kid and his mom go to the Sheiffs Station. The mom tells the kid to wait in the waiting room with the badge while she goes and gets help.

The little kid sees a man mopping the floor wearing a bright orange jumpsuit. And the kid runs up behind the man and goes "Freeze, I'm the Sheriff and you're under arrest" to which the nice man in the bright orange jumpsuit replies:

"Hey kid you wanna suck my dick?"

and the kid replies

"Hell no, I'm not a real sheriff!"



Sorry to FF for the borderline vulgarity.

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"I may not break your spirit, but I sure as hell can break your back! Last Stop MeatbalL!" - Thunderlips (Rocky III)

duke09

3 li'l old women were sitting on a prk bench enjoying the sunshine of a beautiful autumn da when a flasher jumped out of the bush just behind the bench where the old women sat. well, the first woman had a stroke. then, the second woman had a stroke. the third woman, on the other hand, did not have a stroke. unfortunately, she couldnt reach the flasher...haha

KungFuGrip

Somewhere out in the Dessert there were 4 friends and a camel that lived in the barn. The 4 friends grew up together and always hung out for the most part. Latley, 3 of the friends became lonley, so they start goin out on the weekend hangin with out the camel, doin various activites.

One day, the 1 friend over hears the 3 friends talking about the hot lovin they encounter over the past couple weeks. The 1 friend comes rushing up to his 3 friends and asks "How do guys get some of that sweet lovin I been hearing about?" The 3 replied "Easy man we just use the camel to get what we want."

So the 1 lone friend rushes off to the barn in a hurry to make sweet, sweet love to this poor camel and has it way with it . His 3 friends heard noises in the barn, so they came over to see whats up. The 3 were amazed at what they saw and ask "What the hell do your think your doing?" The 1 said "Making sweet love, I thought thats what we used the camel for." The 3 replied "No you idoit, we use the camel to catch a ride town to bang hookers."

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"If you don't want to be hit in the back of the head, turn around."

MTKrav911

Here;s a slightly dirty one, but simple, direct and to the point.

What do you get when a Hooker and a genius have sex?

A ****in KNow It All!

takenover

If your wife controlled you, this is how things would be.

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KungFuGrip

Hear another dirty joke straight to the point.

Ones guys speed walkin and trips over his own feet and lands face first in a mud puddle full of piss and s***. The guy stands up, and ask a near stranger for a tissue.

Its not just a dirty joke, its absolutly filfthy.

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"If you don't want to be hit in the back of the head, turn around."