Thread: Jokes

LOL @ those jokes, they were great .especially the first one If I find any I will post them here

Here's one of my favorite Steven Wright one-liners:

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

LMAO at this thread. Some good ones so far

Here's one:

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a cheque, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and began writing with it by mistake. Realizing his error, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great, some A-hole's got my pen."

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"


BTW nice signature lunchbox

Guy is driving down the road. He sees a sign on the road "St. Mary's Prostitution 3 Miles"

He thinks to himself, "Hey... I've never had sex with a nun... I wonder what all of this is about."

So he pulls in at the exit and goes up to this big giant long cathedral. He walks there is a preacher standing outside who says "My son it will cost you five dollars to enter."

He pays, thinking it is really cheap, and walks in. There is another door with a nun, and she says
"It will cost you five dollars to enter."
He pays, opens and walks in.
Another room, another door, another nun.
This pattern goes on for a long time. Finally he gets to a door pays the five dollars, realizing in his head that it is now total about the price of an average hooker. And walks through the door.
He finds himself in the back of the church, a lock clicks behind him. He gets outraged as he sees a sign that reads

"Go in peace my brother for you have been screwed by the Sister's of Saint Mary."

__________

A man walks into this bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. Real fancy place, new, everything is top notch. He goes up to the bartender and orders a shot. Drinks it, and turns to the man next to him, says "hey watch this."

Jumps right out the window and falls.

A few minutes later. The same man appears, walks into the bar, and does it all over again. Each time getting more and more excited and drunk.

Finally the man beside him at the bar goes "How are you doing that!?!"
He responds
"I don't know it must be something in the booze. It's incredible."
The man beside him promptly takes a shot and jumps at the window.

The bartender says the the man still standing there.
"You know superman, your a real a**hole when your drunk."

Foolish man give wife piano. Wise man give wife up right organ.

Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit
loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock
in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.! Quickly, realizing my
husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was
really proudof myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him

The next> morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "midnight". He didn't seem upset at all......whew ...got away with
that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked
him why, he said, "Well,last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, 'oh sh__,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed> twice more, then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."

A Texas cowboy in New Jersey got pulled over by a State Trooper

for speeding; The trooper started to lecture the cowboy

about his speeding, and in general began to throw his

weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.



Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that

were buzzing around his head.



The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies

there, are ya?"



The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well

yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."



So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on

ranches. See they're called circle flies because they're

almost always found circling around the back end of a

horse.



The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.



Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying

to call me a horse's ass?"



The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much

respect for law enforcement to even think about calling

you a horse's ass."



The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes

back to writing the ticket.



After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool

them flies though."

NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES











The George Bush Virus - Causes your Computer to keep looking for viruses of
mass destruction.


The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes
little purple hearts to appear on screen.



The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory



The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting


The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy


The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did


The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will
be back


The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes


The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB


The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted


The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care


The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files


The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy
... then discards it through Windows



BEWARE NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES

Im in oregon right now thats why I havent been on for a while, I just logged on to tell you something funny I heard from my dad its not really a joke but it doesnt fit into any other threads

OK one day this guy was pumping gas for someone in this town here and then he went into the bathroom and for some odd reason he shoved a drinking glass up his A-hole and the glass collapsed inside of his rectum so he had all this broken glass in there and had to call 911

my new favorite word: vaginal scab