Drew Shayze

We get a ton of long previews. Matthew Lillard in, what looks to be, a male version of the Craft, but without the satanic, spell stuff.

The Russian Mafia runs amok, and there's only one man to save the world: Charles Bronson.

Better Than Ezra type music plays as 2 people have uninspired sex. We get some lame talk, and then it turns into a lame, boyfriend gone crazy movie. Geez, I don't like these hour long previews, dammit, let me see my Jeff Blatnick already!

The Hellraiser music plays, but instead of Pinhead, we get evil clowns. Man, this is like a carny ran amok movie, and I sort of dig this preview. Carnival of Souls it's called.

Yay, now we get some UFC goodness.

We are live from Beautiful New Orleans, Louisiana.

Blatnick and Goldberg are dressed the same. Geez, Mike has black hair, and doesn't look like a fat, bloated dude.

Frank Shamrock is going to be taking on the SURVIVOR~! Igor Zinoviev. We then cut to Frank Shamrock, in a white beanie, eating and looking like he doesn't want to be filmed.

Hey, it's Joe Rogan! Rogan is pumped here, and reps the Den! Whoa, Mikey Burnett? Like, hellz yeah, dawg. He thinks this might be the best UFC show ever.

Burnett enters looking like he's ready to rob a Walgreens. Pete Williams is with him, and dressed as a gangsta. Don't step to Pete, yo.

Tadeu looks like he's ready to ski down a hill. Big John tells him to take that crap off.

Goldie mentions Marco Ruas, but pronounces it "Roo-Has."

Burnett looks ready, and we cut to an ugly girl holding a UFC sign.

I liked Burnett vs Tadeu, and thought Burnett looked pretty good, showing a nice sprawl and good standup. Blatnick loves it. Tadeu is wearing white undies, and his jock strap is sticking out from the back. Hey, it's noticeable, ok? Burnett does a manly guillotine, and then whomps Tadeu until the ref has enough. Lions Den in the house, y'all.

Tons of UFC signs in the crowd.

Pat Miletich (Who looks the same) thinks his experience will pay off. He wanted the announcers to say he's 29 years old, but he's really 30. Ooooh, Mike Goldberg dishes the dirt.

Townsend Saunders isn't stupid, he wants to take it to the ground. He doesn't want to get, too.

I'm sort of dreading this.

They clinch, and nothing. The stand, and nothing. Saunders get's a takedown, and then...nothing. Lord, give me the strength. Saunders sticks his fingers in Miletich's eyes a few times. Saunders goes for the slowest leglock ever, and then Miletich just lets him get back on top of him. My patience is wearing thin. Another slow leglock. Ken Shamrock would shed a tear if he saw this. Blatnick tries to salvage this, but you ain't foolin' no one, Jeff. Finally Miletich gets on top, and works.....sort of. "Outstanding effort, gentleman" is what the ref says. What freakin' fight is he watching? Miletich goes for a keylock and lets Saunders GET back on top of him. More nothing happens. We get a split decision and....Miletich wins? Well, that's sort of crappy, since Miletich did a whole 'lotta nothing, as did Saunders, but Saunders at least had that short burst of flurry in the last round. Crowd boo's, as do I.

Bohlander wants to win the fight. Lions Den, y'all!

Gangsta Pete Williams escorts Bohlander to the octagon. Blatnick mentions Bustamante kicking Bohlanders face off. Oooh, Blatnick doesn't just watch the UFC! I bet Goldie has no freakin' clue what he's talking about.

Kevin Jackson is wearing a very 80's jacket. He wants to do better than his fight with Frankie boy. Well, anything can be better than that.

Swank robe for Jackson. Kevin's always been underrated, in my opinion.

Blatnick mentions ping pong. Why? I don't know.

Bruce Buffer is looking like someone who works as Dracula in one of those cheap looking haunted houses.

Bohlander is all "Yeah, I'm awesome."

We get some thick looking ring girls here. Baby got back, y'all. LA face with an Oakland booty. Well, Oklahoma City face....

Big John looks the same.

We get some so-so standup. I mean, I like that they aren't stalling. Jackson gets an awesome takedown, and Bohlander gets guard. Bohlander works from the bottom, and Jackson does his best to execute some Gnp. See, this the goods, unlike Saunders vs Miletich, which sucked. Bohlander's guard is so swank. Whoa, armbar! Wait, Jackson gets out! THIS RULES! Blatnick loves this. You know, you can tell when Jeff Blatnick likes a fight. The crowd digs the hell out of this, as do I. They're up, and Bohlander is all "Bring it!" The crowd chants "JERRY!" Lions Den, fools! Bohlander is just godly on the ground here. He's constantly going for stuff, and Jackson isn't afraid to pound him. Jackson's getting kind of dirty here, he's constantly sticking his fingers in Bohlander's face. ARMBAR! Whoa, Big John stops it and Jackson didn't tap. BJM didn't want his arm to break. Kevin Jackson kept playin' with fire, and he got burnt. LIONS DEN!

Wait, we see Pat Miletich vs Chris Brennan? I'm not going to lie, I'm dreading this. Then again, I dread every Pat Miletich fight, except his fights with Shonie, Lindland, Renzo and Newton. Brennan charges forward, and Pat retreats. Brennan gets a guillotine. Tap, Pat, tap. Pat gets out, damn. Nothing is happening. I hate Pat Miletich the fighter. Hate him, hate him, hate him. I can understand why people call him "The Croation Sedation." NOTHING IS HAPPENING! Pat wins by doing nothing. Yay! Wait, Brennan taps to...I don't know what that was, neither does Blatnick. This sucked.

Frank & Igor are friends, but Frank wants to kick his butt. Sounds good.

Maurice Smiths gives his thoughts on TK. Smith is all awesome, and analyzes the fight. The prediction: Kohsaka will win.

Kohsaka looks like a man who's ready to fight. Man, This show is all about the Alliance and the Den, I love that.

Kimo now can react to his opponent. He does whatever it takes to win. He said this, not me. Good lord, can we shut up about Kimo's BJJ? Awesome, it says "Submission Skills?" for Kimo's abilities. Yes, they put the question mark in. Kimo has ugly tats. Hey, Tank has joined the commentary table. Tank says the fighters are small, and they know what to do. Tank looks hammered. Whoa, one of the camera guys is wearing a fanny pack. The crowd boo's TK. I thought this crowd was cool? The crowd cheers Kimo. I hate this crowd now. I liked this fight, and feel it may be the best Kimo has ever looked. Nice leglock attempt from Kimo, but TK is patient. Jeff calls Kimo "Sakuraba." Geez, now Blatnick calls TK "Sakuraba." Jeff has Sakuraba on the brain, as do I. TK's mount reversals were freakin' swank, especially the reverse into a leglock. TK wins a hard fought decision. Word up.

Shamrock vs Zinoviev up next. Igor knows Frank, and he knows everything. He'll try his best. Igor enters not looking so mean.

Frank's been doing some striking. Frank don't care, he go anywhere.

Frank enters looking awesome. Mo is with him.

Blink and you'll miss Frank basically killing Igor with a nasty slam. In fact, I'd say that it was the nastiest slam I have ever seen. Many people fellate the Rampage Powerbomb, which was cool, but this had, "Malice" written all over it. Frank was intent on killing dude, and he almost did. Igor is freaking OUT! and Frank looks like the most awesome dude ever. Frank's best win? Maybe, since Igor beat Sperry, whomped Enson Inoue, and was undefeated. Goldie couldn't stop calling Igor a "SURVIVOR~!" Well, he didn't survive that slam. Igor didn't fight after this, and is now an IFL coach.

Igor is all "Dude, you almost killed me, high five." Igor rules. This was probably the closest we have came to seeing an actual death in mainstream MMA.

Meyrowitz gives Frank his props, and Rogan interviews him. Frank says he's here to stay. Man, Frank used to be freakin' awesome. He's all "Bring 'em on, I don't care!" I miss the old Frank Shamrock. Frank gives some shout outs, and Rogan is amazed. Blatnick is in awe. Complete awe. You know you're a man when you get props from Blatnick. People still attend to Igor.

Man, what can I say, this was a good show. This was an all Den & Alliance show, and I freakin' loved it. Miletich was the only bad part, as he stunk up the joint with his nothingness. Oh well, it's still LIONS DEN, y'all.

Discuss.